Oldest daughter here, 19yrs — and I think Im finally done with this crap.
Always been the black sheep. Four siblings — older brother, two little sisters, and a younger brother — and somehow, I’m the only one who gets judged, blamed, and expected to hold everything together. I work full-time, pay $1,000/month to my mom for her mortgage, and still, I’m treated like the problem. One day it’s “I DON’T NEED YOUR MONEY,” and the next it’s “Who’s going to help me if you leave?”
Let’s talk about this trip I planned. Been dreaming about it, finally booked it — budgeted, planned, paid for everything on my own. My mom was okay with it, but when the date got closer, she suddenly decided she and the whole family are coming. I was okay with that — the more the merrier, right? But when I asked her to at least provide for my younger siblings when it comes to stuff they’ll want on this trip (mind you, I’m paying for everything), she said no. Fine. But when I asked her to just cover herself for small things, she snapped — “I’m broke! Why don’t you get that?” Then flipped it to, “Y’know what, I’m not going,” then to “Actually, you don’t deserve to go. And if you leave without me, you’re never allowed back home,” then stomps to her bathroom and locks the door.
Mind you, this was MY trip. But if we go, I’m required to pay for the adults, including the children.
Same thing happened when my little sister wanted to run away — my mom called a whole family meeting and somehow made it about me. Like I’m the reason the family’s broken? I didn’t even do shit. She constantly calls me a failure, even though I graduated community college before high school while her other kids were out here in summer school. My plan was to stick it out until law school and just say “oh, I’m moving far” as an excuse to finally leave. But nah. After this trip? I’m saving everything and I’m gone.
She hates when I spend anything on myself. I’ll buy a $5 coffee and she goes, “I DON’T GET TO SPEND MONEY ON MYSELF, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN?” But when my siblings are around, she switches to “You’re spending too much.” Like girl… pick a lie and stick with it.
She tries to turn my siblings against me, says I’m “violent” just for having boundaries, and once even said she’d falsely accuse me of abuse just to ruin my life because “I ruined hers.” She isolates me, mocks me in front of others, then acts sweet when people are watching so no one believes me. Like… what the actual hell?
And lets not forget how she cancels my plans last minute, screams when I speak up, and ruins anything meant for me — even my birthdays. On my 19th birthday, she wished death on me, insulted my cake, ignored me, made me pay for my own dinner — that I wasn’t suppose to be invited to.
I think what made me realize that this is NOT okay, is that no matter how hard I try shes always gonna play the victim and how its a never-ending cycle of guilt. I just don’t know how to leave a toxic mom who depends on me financially without being crushed by guilt.
Any advice?
Edit:
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the amazing advice, support, and encouragement, it genuinely helped me take the right steps. I posted an update if anyone wants to check it out. Right now I’m doing okay, now on my 2nd month living in my first apartment. I canceled the trip and saved the money instead, best decision I could’ve made. It’s been tough, but I made sure to take all my important documents and protect myself. Because of you all, I feel stronger, and I know that after all this, I’ll be able to take an even better trip— on my terms. 💛
