she was 26. she was my best friend in the whole world and the most important person in my life. i’m 5 years older and we look nothing alike, but when she was little, she always told people we were twins.
our youngest sister found her body yesterday morning. she was in bed with her legs hanging off the side. i was on a different floor of the house and then i heard my grandmother wailing and i got up and went running. when i heard her scream “Katie’s dead,” i literally fell to the ground. i wish i had stayed there, but instead i struggled to stand and walk and i saw her and i felt how cold she was and i can’t get the memory out of my mind. it threw me into a state of shock. i was just repeating “this isn’t real” and “i don’t believe this” and shaking and for a while i couldn’t even talk at all. it wasn’t until later in the afternoon that i could even properly communicate. i’m the oldest of four siblings with large age gaps, and my fucking 14 year old brother had to try and bring me back to reality and our 18 year old sister had to be the one to find her. i’m such a failure as a sister.
we did everything together. my family’s all been living together in the same house bc of financial reasons and we’ve all been very close, but she and i were inseparable. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can’t distract myself from the pain because everything makes me think of her. we always shared our favorite games, shows and movies, memes and jokes, stories, everything, so there’s nowhere i can hide from the pain and nothing i can do to fill my time besides cry and hurt and miss her.
i didn’t eat at all yesterday, and today i barely managed to force down a yogurt and that’s it. i just want to die. my mom told me “if i survive this, i won’t be able to survive another. i need you to live for yourself and for me right now.” so i can’t even run from the pain by dying without hurting my family even worse.
we don’t know why it happened yet bc they can’t do an autopsy til monday but it sounds like it was extremely sudden and happened the night before. the only comfort i have is knowing she most likely didn’t have time to realize what was about to happen. but she’s still gone and i still need her here and i don’t know what to do. who just drops dead out of nowhere at 26?
does it ever feel real? i’m so afraid of how bad i’m going to hurt when it does. this is going to hurt all of us for so long, and i just can’t believe i have to spend the rest of my life without her.
