Still think of my ex almost every day. I got dumped. She was wonderful and a beautiful soul and honestly my soulmate, our personalities were so perfectly aligned. I loved her perspective on the world and adored her personality. It was always a fun time doing even the most normal things together.
I never felt so understood. During the relationship she sometimes had moments where she would behave erratically and in very strange ways, and react to me in a way that didn’t make sense. Like suddenly snap or misunderstand something in a way that was confusing. I suspect, very heavily, she had bpd due to her history and behavior.
She was the sweetest person but after we broke up she was shockingly vicious, cruel, even emotionally abusive.
It was very out of character and incredibly difficult to grapple with. I didn’t understand how someone could love me so much and grow to hate me so much.
To this day, I still don’t understand why we broke up. Every time we talked she would hurl new accusations or reasons at me and. I would cry and beg her for forgiveness and for some reason she would pile on and become even more vicious. I didn’t know who this person that I was speaking to was. In those moments I felt like the room was spinning. I came to doubt myself and who I was and honestly had constant mental break downs. For a year I was not functional and lost my mind.
It hurt so much. I wanted to marry this woman. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
But even after all that. I think about her almost everyday. I have dreams about her. We get married in some of them. Or I run into her at special places we explored together on our adventures. I think about the girl she was when we were together.
I am haunted by a life I will never live with her.
One time I dreamt we had a little girl and cried for a month about it.
I can’t get over it. I can’t get her out of my head. I love her so much and I’m hurt so fucking much. It still feels fresh in my mind. I try to forget very often but can’t. They say time heals all wounds but it’s been 3 years. Now I have little to no sex drive. I have trouble forming relationships and feel generally apathetic and aloof around women. It just never feels the same.
Am I doomed?
