This may be a bit a word salad but there’s a lot of things I want to explain but often come to me at random parts in the day, and I think ‘ah I could write all this down and maybe that’ll help’… but this is where the whole problem is very noticeable.
Everything I used to enjoy I no longer do. I get really upset seeing other people doing whatever it is their doing to make them happy by doing things they enjoy, but I don’t feel that anymore. I want to be able to enjoy things, but I don’t. I just attended a festival this weekend and came back deflated because it was something I should have enjoyed, but I didn’t. Watching people have the best time and lose their inhibitions makes me so down, that used to be me, but now I sit and think I’ll never enjoy anything again.
This’ll stretch across all things in my life… watching films, going to the pub, playing games, going to the park, going for a walk, even FaceTiming family. There is nothing I want to do, only things I want to want to do (if that makes sense).
I’m going to go back to therapy but having tried three different therapists I’m fed up of looking any longer honestly. I want to go on a wellness retreat, try some different methods to rehabilitate myself, but it all costs money and even those little ideas I have end up turning to dust when I realise (convince myself) that I won’t enjoy it and there’s no point.
I see old people and it scares me because I don’t want to live such misery for the next 60 years of my life. I really feel like I have no purpose, I used to have so much fun, used to be outgoing and always up for it. I was a big extrovert, now I’m feeling more introverted than ever. My partner doesn’t seem to really understand it either (but then don’t know if that’s my head telling me that…) Sometimes I feel my brain does mental self harming, in the sense that when I’m down my brain doesn’t even attempt to get me out of it..
My job is rubbish, I’m was an actor before lockdown and had two really great jobs, then lockdown happened and I think this is where all motivation and enjoyment started to leave my body… I haven’t performed since so I’m stuck in rubbish jobs watching everyone I know go on to bigger things and brighter things, things they’ve set their mind too… and all I think about is why, why couldn’t I have that headspace, just have a hobby, find some enjoyment in something.
I’m always worried about the future, every waking moment I’m worried that the moment of time I’m in now is keeping me behind everyone else… I want to have a dream, I want to enjoy anything. I really want advice, but the past advice I’ve been given is to ‘just do something with no other care’, I can’t! I can’t switch off, I need to go back a lot further than that, I’m really concerned that I’ll never get out of this pit!
I may edit this, but I get lost in what I’m saying and now think it’s a bad idea to write anymore. I’m already proud of writing this much because it’s taken me a long long time to sit down and write this and I don’t even know if it makes sense.
Any advice would be appreciated, I need to go back to square one. Any retreats/therapy techniques would be welcome (nothing to spiritual, and maybe that’s where I’m going wrong right now but I just for some reason get a little annoyed when I’m told rely on the higher powers etc… I find it doesn’t help me)
Best,
