I am not sure where to put this or if anyone else can relate, or perhaps it’s just a personal issue of how I am perceiving things.
Back story: my wife is 46 and I am 48, we have been married for only about 5 years. When i first met her, she was (is) the sweetest person, has a very angelic voice, great personality, amazing person overall and she looked great. I should have probably questioned why she was still unwed at 40 but I too decided to marry late so who was I to judge. Now I should’ve looked and carefully considered better.
When dating I gave her a lot of slack due to her mature and calm demeanor, where else could i find such a lovely woman with a kind personality? But it really stops there. Her kindness does not bleed into her everyday actions or even routine. She would text me a lot of “good morning love, i love you, hope you have a great day, heart emojis, funny memes, etc” it was nice interacting with her. She had A LOT to say but they were mainly all neutral or positive stories, no red flags there.
The red flags began when we moved in after marriage and I was under the assumption that a 40 year old woman knew how to take care of herself and the house, or at least do her part. She often would whine and complain in bed about things that could easily be fixed if she just got up to walk 5 steps and do it. But instead, I am treated like a butler and not a husband. She would continue to be very friendly and cordial to everyone and so people love her. But I do not love living with her. I do not love her actions (or lack thereof). I don’t mind helping around the house of course I have been doing it for 40 something odd years of my independent life, but when I come home from work I do want to continue working.
Some other examples: she leaves the trash out constantly, never ever once takes anything out, I once left town for 3 days and came home to a house full of flies, yes i am not exaggerating. But she cheerfully ran up to hug and say sweet things so I kinda dismissed it. Again – she is nice but over the years it started to feel manipulative. I grew very confused, with a gnawing feeling in my chest and stomach, why did the woman I marry irritate me SO MUCH? Why was living with her so unbearable? Because I do love talking to her and love the intimacy and everything in between, but how is living with a woman this “amazing” so so miserable?
Her inconsiderate actions have been confronted before, she does not change. She also leaves little small notes around the house asking me to fix this, do this, etc. Yet she does not work (she used to part time), she does not cook, she only takes up space and air. This is what irks me the most. An adult grown woman, with no kids, cannot take care of the basic necessities herself. I also do not ask much of her, i do a load of laundry at least once a week so nothing piles up, i take care of garbage, shopping, errands, mortgage, cars, credit cards, all of it. I do not ask her to even cook me dinner, I’ll bring home take out most days. She seems utterly clueless about everything even Fedex and UPS…. she texts me the most basic questions asking where their address is. If only she had google…Vacations are a nightmare because she becomes a liability who I have to constantly watch over. She once almost fell of a ledge. I do not feel relaxed around her because I know she’s going to do something weird or stupid.
However again, she is a lovely friendly person to me, my family, friends, etc. She is cheerful, doesn’t nag often, is generally upbeat, has a cool personality, and when I hear stories of husbands dealing with nagging or bickering wives I feel grateful for mine? At least in the moment. Am I being manipulated by my wife’s sweet words? She says she loves me, but I really do not feel it through her everyday actions. On special occasions she would make something nice but that’s about 3x a year.
I just don’t get it or know anymore. I feel like she is those fake two faced people at work who is super fake nice to your face but deep down they hate you? I feel like she hates me most days and punishes me more by leaving more trash out. On the outside she seems and LOOKS like a perfect woman/wife – but nobody else has ever had to deal living with her.
