I guess I just need to type this out. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?
I’m typing this during one of the said moments of clarity that I’m feeling tonight, sometimes I can go weeks without feeling like I feel right now.
During moments of clarity I feel like I know what I want from my life, and the direction I would like my life to take, I can make solid plans and feel like I can actively achieve them, with smaller goals I can put in place. I can see the benefit of my relationships in my life, and have feelings of gratitude for what I have.
On any other day I feel like I’m just putting one step in front of the other, like I have so much going on that I can’t focus on one thing for too long or I’ll run out of time to do the other things I need to do. I can’t see the long term benefit to any short term task (like working out, practicing learning towards my educational goals, going the extra mile to do stuff for my wife, even working on my yard. I’ll find myself questioning my relationship with my wife, with my family, the purpose of my life, why I make efforts to accomplish anything. I tend to just drift through the day doing the bare minimum, and I tend to make decisions or do things because I should.
I also will have random anxiety attacks surrounding things that I’ve put off too long, like cleaning the house, or some chore I’ve been putting off, I’m seemingly unable to clear the anxiety until I accomplish one of those chores, or I do mediation/breathing exercises until I fall asleep.
I tried counselling for the first time just before Christmas… I didn’t really hate it but I just felt awkward because I don’t really like talking about things that have gone on in my life, like I feel embarrassed for things that I’ve done or have had done to me. I come from a divorced home, and my father had anger problems which led to verbal abuse towards people in my family. I’ve also since left a religion which has given me an unhealthy level of cynicism towards spirituality – or really anything that I can’t physically see. I try and tout logic to help my decision-making, but I tend to find myself making seat of my pants decisions because of anxiety or fear. I also find that after going to counselling I’ll be even worse for like a week after.
My wife is extremely patient with me, but even she will sometimes get frustrated with me when I will forget to do things that I said I would do, or I’ll lie about a small thing because I’m afraid that I will get in trouble (Stupid small things, like whether or not I walked the dog, or switched the laundry). I don’t think this stems from my relationship with her but from my relationship with my family in general. Since dating my wife I’ve come to realize that for the most part my family is emotionally manipulative and my worst menta health days come after spending time with them. This causes additional turmoil because I feel like I shouldn’t distance myself from them for my own health because they’re family and family is something that should be foremost. I grew up in an extremely religious home with all of my friends and family belonging to the same faith. Over the past 5 years since leaving I’ve had to reinvent how I feel/think about pretty much everything. As well as my relationships where many of my old friends either stopped wanting to do anything with me, or outright would no longer talk with me. My extended family didn’t shun me, I shunned myself because being around the religion causes me extreme mental turmoil.
I just want to feel the clarity all the time – like I did before leaving the religion I was born in. Life is full of so much uncertainty and I don’t know anything about anything, but I know that I like feeling this clarity, I like feeling hopeful for the future. I love doing things and recognizing their importance towards longer term goals that I’ve made.
I hate feeling like I’m just barely breathing, that I’m just moving day to day and month to month without any hope.
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel happy when I spend time with my wife, or I’m walking my puppy. These moments just seem fleeting and far between.